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Openness is our greatest human resource.

Mothers Do Envy Their Daughters

This is from a piece on a Psychology Today blog, that references Baby Loveand mothers who envy their daughters. It's good to see professionals who understand the subtext of complex relationships.   

"Half a century after Deutsche, Susie Orbach, Kim Chernin and others argued that young women's expanding career opportunities can (albeit not always) arouse a mother's envy. A daughter may hold herself back, terrified that, if she does surpass her mother, she will be forced to eat of those proverbial poisoned apples - in the form of maternal disapproval, disdain, guilt. Or, she may hope to win approval by her success, only to find that success does not give her mother pleasure; instead, her mother responds with envy, which a daughter experiences as disapproval."

This is a hotly debated subject, amd many experts deny and reframe what looks like maternal envy as maternal concern. And yet I hear from so many women who have felt undermined by their mothers. And mothers who have struggled with their jealousy of their daughters.

My feeling is not enough light has been shed on the subject, and, like mental illness, the kind of wounding that occurs in many mother daughter relationships is even more devastating because daughters are considered ungrateful for voicing their feelings, and punished accordingly. Especially in the black community, when so many mothers have had to work so hard for so long. The idea of expressing any kind of upset is  unthinkable. And yet, as Audre Lorde wrote, "Our silence will not protect us."

What about you? Have you experienced any of these kinds of maternal conflicts? Either as a mother yourself or as a daughter?

Time to talk, to open the doors. We all have something to gain.

 

December 16th, 2008

Comments:

Comment #1 by Anonymous on November 28, 2012 - 8:48am

A very good article. I was just discussing this with a friend of mine today. It seems that my mother always tries to belittle me and downgrade me when she can't control me. She can find the littlest thing to be upset with me now. I have been a good daughter and I did not cause her any problems growing up. I have always helped her and to no avail at some point she always undermined me. She had said negative things about me to my friends and even to the people I am involved with. She conveniently lies and forgets the things I have done for her.

It is very hurtful. Some days I would just like to delete her from my life but she's my mother so how can you do that and sleep at night?

Why are mothers this way, I will never know.

Comment #2 by AnonymousJADE on December 26, 2012 - 8:33pm

I WONDER IF ALL OF THIS SIMPLY COMES DOWN TO THE FACT THAT WOMEN, REGARDLESS OF ETHNICITY, WHETHER RELATED OR NOT, ARE NATURAL ENEMIES AND ALWAYS IN COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER. FROM MY EXPERIENCE, IT SEEMS THAT FEMALES REGARD OTHER FEMALES WITH JEALOUSY AND SUSPICION. I AM WHITE SO I CAN NOT JUDGE WHETHER BLACK MOTHERS ARE MORE JEALOUS OF THEIR DAUGHTERS THAN WHITE MOTHERS, BUT I SUSPECT THAT A WOMAN'S JEALOUSY OF HER DAUGHTER CUTS ACROSS CLASS AND RACE. MY MOTHER HAD AN OLDER SISTER WHO MADE HER LIFE A TOTAL MISERY;HER JEALOUSY OF MY MOTHER WAS INSANE! THIS JEALOUSY ALSO SPILLED OVER TO MY MOTHER'S CHILDREN(ME AND MY SISTERS). MY AUNT WAS A TRULY NASTY, WICKED AND JEALOUS WOMAN. IN THE END MY POOR MUM HAD TO CUT THIS SISTER OF OUT OF HER LIFE COMPLETELY. MY MOTHER SIMPLY COULD NOT BE BOTHERED WITH HER NASTINESS AND JEALOUSY ANY MORE. A FEW YEARS LATER WHEN MY MOTHER DIED, MY AUNT KEPT SOBBING OVER THE LOSS OF HER 'BELOVED' SISTER. I WAS SO CONFUSED BY THIS. I HAVE TO SAY THAT MY AUNT'S GRIEF TRULY DID SEEM GENUINE, AND YET SHE HAD DONE SOME WICKED THINGS TO MY MUM OVER THE YEARS. WAS SHE CRYING WITH GUILT? DID SHE REALIZE TOO LATE THAT A SIBLING(ESPECIALLY ONE AS BEAUTIFUL AND KIND AS MY MUM) IS A PRECIOUS GIFT? WAS SHE CRYING WITH REGRET? I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW. BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT JEALOUSY IS A CORROSIVE AND EVIL EMOTION. INSTEAD OF HAVING A CLOSE AND CARING SISTERLY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MUM, HER WICKED ACTS OF JEALOUSY DROVE MY MUM AWAY. WHAT A WASTE! I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SMALL TWINGES OF JEALOUSY THAT MOST OF US SOMETIMES FEEL WHEN WE SEE A FRIEND LOOKING SLIM, BEAUTIFUL AND HAPPY WHEN WE ARE FEELING FAT, UGLY AND MISERABLE. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE DESTRUCTIVE, DEEP AND PATHOLOGICAL JEALOUSY THAT MY AUNT POSSESSED THAT IS LIKE A FESTERING SORE THAT DESTROYS EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES. MY AUNT DIED 13 YEARS AFTER MY MUM. IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME, BUT I HAVE FINALLY FORGIVEN THE CRUELTY THAT MY AUNT INFLICTED ON MY MUM(BELIEVE ME IT WAS NOT EASY), BECAUSE I FEEL THAT ULTIMATELY, IT WAS MY AUNT WHO PAID THE PRICE OF HER TERRIBLE JEALOUSY. SHE LOST THE FRIENDSHIP OF A WONDERFUL SISTER, AND SHE LOST THE LOVE OF A NIECE WHO WOULD HAVE ADORED HER IF ONLY SHE HAD SOMETIMES SHOWN AN OUNCE OF KINDNESS TO MY MOTHER.

Comment #3 by lindsey on January 2, 2013 - 1:07pm

Im white and i have experienced this type of behaviour from my own mother. She had me in her late 20's and my father did not stay around as he is the type of man who has kids all over. She only had one child, and i had ADHD so she had to spend a lot of time on me. Then somewhere in my middle teens i went into care, in that time my mother changed. She lost weight etc, bleached her hair and to be honest i liked the new her even less. But she did not begin competing with me until i got in my early 20's as to be honest i had puppy fat, short hair and poor fashion sense. But at the time i never looked nown on myself for it, but did want to get fitter. I started going to the gym when i was in my late teens, and by my early 20's i was fit and in shape (in a more tomboy kind of way at first), it was like there was a grade, when i was in shape and still tomboyish my mother used to just comment that i should not loose any more weight. I had a BMI of about 20 then so was not intending to anyway, infact my aim was to build a little muscle. My weight stayed there, and my body shape did not alter much more , the problem began when i started experinmenting with fashion. She was always comparing herself to me, copying my clothes, it was like i did not have room to grow in my own direction. I learned a lot about my mother in my early 20's, i found out she was not like me, not at all, in any way, infact she was like an alien from another world and i decided then she was not going to project her rubish onto me. She wanted to be everything i dont, and was the type who would complain rather then change what she did not like.

But all was well thanks to my new stepdad, he came along when i was 22, they were married within 2 year and that was almost 10 years ago now. I am now 31, and after they met i moved out in my own direction with his and his sisters help, if i ever have a bad thought about him i think again as i dont know where my life would have been if he had not come along. By taking up my mothers space he has given me room to develop my own sense of self, even now i avoid too much time with my mother, and will not go out anywhere with her if he does not go too. My mother does not know this though as i wrap it up in so many layers of other things. My stepdad says he thinks the problem is due to the fact my mother had a bad relationship with my grandmother who was very controlling too. My grandmother lost two children and my mother was the only one left, my grandad also died in his middle years. My grandmother never got anyone else, and never overcome all the trauma and took to running my mothers life. This is part of the reason why my mother did not get married sooner, my grandmother would show it if she did not like them, i know she ended one of my mothers relationships when i was an infant. My grandmother is still alive now, but she does not run my life, and does not try for some reason she wants me to have all the freedom she never had as it turns out everyone had it hard in her times. She does bad mouth my mother sometimes, i stand there and watch and hope there is not something evil in my bloodline. I have decided to run my own life to the full, and do the things i want to to, that way i will never become like them.

I have bulletproofed myself to my mother now, as i only show her a proportion of myself, i know what to tell her and what to keep back. I dont fight her, instead i remove the targets from her. I also rotate my ideas and opinions, change my mind a lot, and make myself as big of a mystery to her as she is to me. My stepdad appears to be able to read me like a book though, but it does not matter as it does him no favours to tell my mother anything that would stir her up as he has to live with her.

In a way im lucky as i could have a worse mother, ive met women similar age to her that have appauled me, my mother does not mean any harm, she just missed out on things herself. Some women are very bad to there daughters, and from my perspective the problem is often worse if the father is either bad or not there and the mother has no direction in her own life.

This problem may work its way out as the generations pass, because womens lives have changed a lot over the past 50 years, some cultures have still to feel the effects of the changes. If women are to become equal to men, this is one thing that has to go, mothers have to make sure there daughters get all the freedoms they never had.

I carnt help but wonder if there is a biological reason why all this happens. Like maybe the mother does all this as an exstention of her reproduction, she wants to ensure the daughter reproduces in time to stops her having other interests. It was around the time my mothers own reproductive system expired that she acted the way she did with me. Men dont have to guard there sons in the same way as men have longer reproductive spans. Also in times gone by when women had big familys, the extra help of the grandmotherswould have been needed. Its almost like the old hardwhere is clashing with the new softwhere as human society changes.

Comment #4 by Vesna on May 1, 2013 - 11:16pm

My mom has always been unhappy with me no matter how well I was doing. She has always been comparing me with my friends and telling me they were better than me. One was better because she had a bigger salary, the other cause she was a mum and I wasn't (until recently), the next one was better because she was tidy and so on. She never liked these friends of mine, she only said these things to hurt me and portray herself as more successful than me. By the way, I have always been doing really well in school and at the university and I've always done things to please my parents. I have never ever caused them any embarrassement. On the contrary, they only had reasons to be proud of me. Our relationship got really unbearable when I became a mum last year at the age of 39. I was diagnosed with a moderately debilitating illness during pregnancy and I have struggeled caring for my child all by myslef. I mean, I have always done everything that was necessary and more when it comes to taking care of my baby, It's just been extremely difficult. My son always comes first and I love him more than life itself. My husband is not helping me much, he never had with anything, but my mum has been really mean to me ever since my son was born. She's done everything she could to undermine me as a mother. When she decides to help me a little with the baby, she always insinuates that I'm not the best mother. She has been the opposite of supportive of me all along. It hurts me endlessly because I try my best and I think I am doing an excellent job consideing how much pain I am in every day. All my friends and relatives praise me and think I am a wonderful mum. Even my lazy, selfish husband realizes and admits that I am a great mum, yet my own mother is constatnly telling me what to do, points out what I should have done better or differntly in her oppinion and keeps belittling me especially when it comes to caring for my child. She also often calls herself mum when she talks to my child. All this makes me very sad and often upset. She is hurting my feelings so much. When I can't take it any more I shout at her and then she acts as if she was my victim. She keeps talking about me (behind my back) with my dad who used to be on my side when he was younger. Now he tends to agree with her just to avoid her criticising him. She has always been very critical of my dad, my brother and especially me. None of us have ever been good enough for my mum, but I have always been the first on her list of losers. Most women would be over the moon to have children like my brother and I, but not my mum. I really wish I didn't have to relly on her for help. She is using it to make my life miserable, motherhood in particular. She says such hurtful things to me and is trying to take over my role as a mum. :-(

Comment #5 by Anonymous on December 27, 2013 - 3:49am

I have never felt more validated than I do here when I read the experiences other women have had with their mothers, basically identical to the experiences I have had with mine. The attitude that never seems to change, the hateful looks, the constant jealousy and constant competition, I don't remember the last time she hugged me or told me she loved me, or ever made me feel she actually loved and cared about me.
I realize all of this, these experiences most likely are the growing pains young women in general are dealing with, as women become more independent in general, and women of previous generations have been given a glimpse of the future generations of women, more independent, self reliant and less male dominated, if only they could see we are with them (allies)in the overall women movement, because there is movement in the world of women, but they can only see the pain they have endured and not necessarily realize the contribution they have made to the women of the future, more woman than ever are going to college and are in fields that were mostly male dominated. Some women of past generations believe that the man's belief and opinions are all that matter, and so if your father or other male figure gives you attention, they feel they have lost their self worth/esteem, since they were basing it on what men thought of them and so when this attention goes towards you, they feel replaced, and its understandable, most of their behavior is understandable, if you understand the reality that women have been dominated by men for centuries, and only until recently, we are starting to see real progress, where more and more woman are free thinkers, and are not ruled by the male opinion.
I have been patient with my mothers anger and hatred aimed at me, most of my life, and its really from what I understand now, as I have grown older, and intense fear, an intense fear of feeling replaced, that she doesn't matter anymore, that she isn't important, doesn't feel important and on a deep level I understand that, and the more I do understand where she is coming from emotionally, the more I learn from her feelings, knowing that what she feels is something that is teaching me something, regarding how women of past generations were simply used as baby makers and homemakers, male supporters, and because of this mistreatment of women in general, their feelings of not feeling important anymore, are understandable. I've learned to realize, that what my mother truly needed in her life, was a little bit of gratitude, for someone to say thank you, I appreciate you and all that you do, for me and for others. I find that by being grateful for having someone that is showing me some real life truths about women of past generations and what they have endured, it is something to have gratitude towards, because they are teaching us life lessons here, that we have a lot to be grateful for, for woman of past generations, that they have laid the foundation for the women of the future to not only have the ability to define themselves without a males definition of who they are, but to be free to make choices that help us define the truth about the power and the inner strength of the female, by seeing what our mothers endured and all that they have done, caring about so much, and with little coming back in return, we can learn, from our mothers of past generations, that women truly are a united front, not to be turned on as an enemy of each other, but as allies in a changing world, a world that is in desperate need for the love, warmth, compassion and understanding of a woman, now, in leadership roles, leadership roles in government, as leaders of nations and as leaders of many fields that need the compassion and love of women, to heal the world of the male dominance that has endured so much suffering on so many..

Comment #6 by Anonymous on February 8, 2014 - 3:04am

I hope I'm not too late to get in on this conversation, because the topic has been causing me great pain for many years. My mother was a beauty - one of three sisters in our small town who were famous for their looks. My grandfather was a very charismatic but very strict patriarch who kept his beautiful daughters under lock and key - not even allowing them to go to the public pool in the summer. Till the day of my grandfather's death, and even after, my mother and her sisters have been embroiled in jealousy towards each other on so many levels - and of course it ended on his death bed with who he loved the best.

But although my mother was famous for her looks (appreciated more in later years it seems, she didn't have many boyfriends when she was growing up) she was never popular, nor did she ever have many friends. I couldn't understand why she had so few. She came from a modest middle class family and married my father - who came from a wealthy family who lived in a large mansion in town. My father's mother was a distant, volatile alcoholic who neglected him (his father having died when he was 14) and I believe he was attracted to my mother not only for her looks, but for her big family. Their first Christmas together my father threw the Christmas tree out the window. Theirs was not a happy marriage - my mother acting like a silent martyr (like her mother did with her father) until finally she kicked him out when I was around 12, after not being able to ignore his affairs anymore. In later years my mother would blame the divorce on "you kids". Saying the divorce happened because my father couldn't stand being in the house with three teenage kids (I have two older brothers).

I can describe my mother's jealousy as "gas lighting". I have never been able to put in into words - and I think that has a lot to do with the taboo of even saying "my mom is jealous of me." When I would say it, even to an open-minded, sensitive person, they would say "oh, but your mom loves you sooo much." The first incident when I knew things weren't right was when I was home for the first time after moving to Europe to study as a teenager. I was around 19 and was telling everyone at a family event about my first yoga class. I proceeded to show them a head-stand. My mother JUMPED off of her seat and proceeded to demonstrate how well she could do one as well. (My mother's biggest dream in life was to be a ballet dancer. She never became one even though she had some talent, blaming my grandfather for not letting her go to NY to study). But if I think back, that was not the first time - she was never really warm, although she was a dutiful mother. One time she accused me of touching her make-up. I was around 10. She said if I do it again "it's war."

The next 15 years of my life were a nightmare with my mother. Incident after incident. It didn't help that I went to a top notch university in NY as well as becoming a model when I graduated. She would come and visit me and always be miserable some how - and always trying to get me to be her "wing man" (going to bars or restaurants to meet men and get attention.) I got attention from people for my looks, and one time I even caught her saying to the admirer outside of my ear shot "Really? I never thought she was that pretty." I was living this wonderful life in NY, yet every time I would go out, on a date , or with friends, I would be wracked with guilt because I pictured my mother at home, alone, watching TV, and drinking (she became an alcoholic.)

Fast forward and I'm 42 years old. I live in Asia now and have completely transformed my life (I'm a filmmaker and journalist) after a devastatingly abusive relationship followed by a disastrous 3 month marriage. I've meditated and studied Buddhism, I've experienced death and loss and have realized that my mother will not be around much longer, and when she's gone, she's gone for good, so I should appreciate her. But she still destroys something inside of me, sometimes even just the thought of her. Like a slow gas leak. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a different kind of mother. I was back "home" recently after my grandfather died and was expressing how depressed I was - the depression being set off by his death, a feeling of disconnection living so far away, unhappiness with my partner. She approached it like she always does - with no comfort, just reacting like "what do YOU have to be depressed about." I can't rely on my mother for comfort, for guidance, for wisdom. When your mother is jealous of you, you really are left alone in the world. It's a terrible feeling. I wish I knew how to transcend it. I don't want this to define my whole life.

Comment #7 by Leah on March 11, 2014 - 7:39pm

I have 6 brothers & no sisters, im the 3rd youngest, i have 2 brothers younger than me 4 older, & all my life i've been the black sheep in my family & household. My background is Jamaican quarter chinese & im nw 18 with a nearly 5month old son. All my mother has done is bitch bitch bitch embarass embarass embarass & she has prefernces which is defo not me! She purposely treats my brothers "Special" & Sweet infront of me but then when its me she looks @ me as if i mean nothing. I put up with it 24/7 and all i feel 2 do is cry. She always talks to them like she Loves their company but never even gives me eye contact. When her sons are upset or been treated wrong by someone, shes like so there for them but me she tells me i over-react or stop critisizing others (when im nt, i just sat what happened) she just cuts it short & dry with me while Them, she hugs & kisses & makes them better. Me, she puts down ALL the time. She acts fake. one minute shes all smiles & makes me feel like she loves me but thats when other ppl are around, otherwise she acts heartless & cruel & the things she says just makes me feel like Crap! The other day she practicarly called me Ugly & when i asked her what she meant by that statement she Totally changed it! & tries to make Me seem like I'm the liar. She treats my cousin n older brother's chick like they're her daughters that she Wished were her own. She more a mother to them than she is me.
Sometimes she admits how Beautiful i am but then critisizes literally Everything about me. She told me she dont want me to move out "apparently" but i feel like shes a psychological bitch! Shes trying to keep me depressed, she knows my past & she plays on it. She does it all the time. She even talks in codes like to my brothers (about me) Right there infront of me! Like she hates ppl like me, or she wish ppl like me didnt exist.. stuff like that. She knows i know shes on about me & when she sees i get vex with her she then tries to soft talk to me like nothing happened like if shes sayin, "ahh i got dat of my chest now i feel better, yep shes upset lemmi try act as if nothin happened" but she just hurt my feelings to the next level so i wont talk to her then she tries to get all crazed out up on me like if im not supposed 2 show my emoshes & that.. i reeally dont know what 2 do, i've just had enough of her psychological games n actually Want to move out away from Her & leave her to her Special Sons & Fantasy Daughters.. i mean i admit i AM jealous, obvs i would b if she aint showing me love n affection but everyone else!
I Wish i sincerely had that, a great mother n daughter bond but she obviously dont want that. If i was to tell her im gunna move or want to she'll take offence, get sad or angry! She's just confusing.
I would Never get someone like her!
She brags bout my brothers to everyone except one as he hates us all and sexually harrassed and touched me when i was younger still she dont give a damn bout that she just dont get on with him cos he hates her and attacked my other 3 bros when they were younger.. But she never says anything great bout me to ppl.. Only if they bring it up she would grudgingly go along with it..

Anyways, thats all, i might move out i want to so i can get the hell away from her! But i wrote all this cos i have Nobody to talk to, i have it all Stuck in my throat & thought why not blabber my story on here 2 calm myself down after ANOTHER RAndom confliction/tension for no Freakin reason.

I just wanna go sleep, probly feel much better in the mornin! .. Night :)

Comment #8 by Leah on March 11, 2014 - 7:42pm

I have 6 brothers & no sisters, im the 3rd youngest, i have 2 brothers younger than me 4 older, & all my life i've been the black sheep in my family & household. My background is Jamaican quarter chinese & im nw 18 with a nearly 5month old son. All my mother has done is bitch bitch bitch embarass embarass embarass & she has prefernces which is defo not me! She purposely treats my brothers "Special" & Sweet infront of me but then when its me she looks @ me as if i mean nothing. I put up with it 24/7 and all i feel 2 do is cry. She always talks to them like she Loves their company but never even gives me eye contact. When her sons are upset or been treated wrong by someone, shes like so there for them but me she tells me i over-react or stop critisizing others (when im nt, i just sat what happened) she just cuts it short & dry with me while Them, she hugs & kisses & makes them better. Me, she puts down ALL the time. She acts fake. one minute shes all smiles & makes me feel like she loves me but thats when other ppl are around, otherwise she acts heartless & cruel & the things she says just makes me feel like Crap! The other day she practicarly called me Ugly & when i asked her what she meant by that statement she Totally changed it! & tries to make Me seem like I'm the liar. She treats my cousin n older brother's chick like they're her daughters that she Wished were her own. She more a mother to them than she is me.
Sometimes she admits how Beautiful i am but then critisizes literally Everything about me. She told me she dont want me to move out "apparently" but i feel like shes a psychological bitch! Shes trying to keep me depressed, she knows my past & she plays on it. She does it all the time. She even talks in codes like to my brothers (about me) Right there infront of me! Like she hates ppl like me, or she wish ppl like me didnt exist.. stuff like that. She knows i know shes on about me & when she sees i get vex with her she then tries to soft talk to me like nothing happened like if shes sayin, "ahh i got dat of my chest now i feel better, yep shes upset lemmi try act as if nothin happened" but she just hurt my feelings to the next level so i wont talk to her then she tries to get all crazed out up on me like if im not supposed 2 show my emoshes & that.. i reeally dont know what 2 do, i've just had enough of her psychological games n actually Want to move out away from Her & leave her to her Special Sons & Fantasy Daughters.. i mean i admit i AM jealous, obvs i would b if she aint showing me love n affection but everyone else!
I Wish i sincerely had that, a great mother n daughter bond but she obviously dont want that. If i was to tell her im gunna move or want to she'll take offence, get sad or angry! She's just confusing.
I would Never get someone like her!
She brags bout my brothers to everyone except one as he hates us all and sexually harrassed and touched me when i was younger still she dont give a damn bout that she just dont get on with him cos he hates her and attacked my other 3 bros when they were younger.. But she never says anything great bout me to ppl.. Only if they bring it up she would grudgingly go along with it..

Anyways, thats all, i might move out i want to so i can get the hell away from her! But i wrote all this cos i have Nobody to talk to, i have it all Stuck in my throat & thought why not blabber my story on here 2 calm myself down after ANOTHER RAndom confliction/tension for no Freakin reason.

I just wanna go sleep, probly feel much better in the mornin! .. Night :)

Comment #9 by Leah on March 11, 2014 - 7:45pm

I have 6 brothers & no sisters, im the 3rd youngest, i have 2 brothers younger than me 4 older, & all my life i've been the black sheep in my family & household. My background is Jamaican quarter chinese & im nw 18 with a nearly 5month old son. All my mother has done is bitch bitch bitch embarass embarass embarass & she has prefernces which is defo not me! She purposely treats my brothers "Special" & Sweet infront of me but then when its me she looks @ me as if i mean nothing. I put up with it 24/7 and all i feel 2 do is cry. She always talks to them like she Loves their company but never even gives me eye contact. When her sons are upset or been treated wrong by someone, shes like so there for them but me she tells me i over-react or stop critisizing others (when im nt, i just sat what happened) she just cuts it short & dry with me while Them, she hugs & kisses & makes them better. Me, she puts down ALL the time. She acts fake. one minute shes all smiles & makes me feel like she loves me but thats when other ppl are around, otherwise she acts heartless & cruel & the things she says just makes me feel like Crap! The other day she practicarly called me Ugly & when i asked her what she meant by that statement she Totally changed it! & tries to make Me seem like I'm the liar. She treats my cousin n older brother's chick like they're her daughters that she Wished were her own. She more a mother to them than she is me.
Sometimes she admits how Beautiful i am but then critisizes literally Everything about me. She told me she dont want me to move out "apparently" but i feel like shes a psychological bitch! Shes trying to keep me depressed, she knows my past & she plays on it. She does it all the time. She even talks in codes like to my brothers (about me) Right there infront of me! Like she hates ppl like me, or she wish ppl like me didnt exist.. stuff like that. She knows i know shes on about me & when she sees i get vex with her she then tries to soft talk to me like nothing happened like if shes sayin, "ahh i got dat of my chest now i feel better, yep shes upset lemmi try act as if nothin happened" but she just hurt my feelings to the next level so i wont talk to her then she tries to get all crazed out up on me like if im not supposed 2 show my emoshes & that.. i reeally dont know what 2 do, i've just had enough of her psychological games n actually Want to move out away from Her & leave her to her Special Sons & Fantasy Daughters.. i mean i admit i AM jealous, obvs i would b if she aint showing me love n affection but everyone else!
I Wish i sincerely had that, a great mother n daughter bond but she obviously dont want that. If i was to tell her im gunna move or want to she'll take offence, get sad or angry! She's just confusing.
I would Never get someone like her!
She brags bout my brothers to everyone except one as he hates us all and sexually harrassed and touched me when i was younger still she dont give a damn bout that she just dont get on with him cos he hates her and attacked my other 3 bros when they were younger.. But she never says anything great bout me to ppl.. Only if they bring it up she would grudgingly go along with it..

Anyways, thats all, i might move out i want to so i can get the hell away from her! But i wrote all this cos i have Nobody to talk to, i have it all Stuck in my throat & thought why not blabber my story on here 2 calm myself down after ANOTHER RAndom confliction/tension for no Freakin reason.

I just wanna go sleep, probly feel much better in the mornin! .. Night :)

Comment #10 by Leah on March 11, 2014 - 7:46pm

I have 6 brothers & no sisters, im the 3rd youngest, i have 2 brothers younger than me 4 older, & all my life i've been the black sheep in my family & household. My background is Jamaican quarter chinese & im nw 18 with a nearly 5month old son. All my mother has done is bitch bitch bitch embarass embarass embarass & she has prefernces which is defo not me! She purposely treats my brothers "Special" & Sweet infront of me but then when its me she looks @ me as if i mean nothing. I put up with it 24/7 and all i feel 2 do is cry. She always talks to them like she Loves their company but never even gives me eye contact. When her sons are upset or been treated wrong by someone, shes like so there for them but me she tells me i over-react or stop critisizing others (when im nt, i just sat what happened) she just cuts it short & dry with me while Them, she hugs & kisses & makes them better. Me, she puts down ALL the time. She acts fake. one minute shes all smiles & makes me feel like she loves me but thats when other ppl are around, otherwise she acts heartless & cruel & the things she says just makes me feel like Crap! The other day she practicarly called me Ugly & when i asked her what she meant by that statement she Totally changed it! & tries to make Me seem like I'm the liar. She treats my cousin n older brother's chick like they're her daughters that she Wished were her own. She more a mother to them than she is me.
Sometimes she admits how Beautiful i am but then critisizes literally Everything about me. She told me she dont want me to move out "apparently" but i feel like shes a psychological bitch! Shes trying to keep me depressed, she knows my past & she plays on it. She does it all the time. She even talks in codes like to my brothers (about me) Right there infront of me! Like she hates ppl like me, or she wish ppl like me didnt exist.. stuff like that. She knows i know shes on about me & when she sees i get vex with her she then tries to soft talk to me like nothing happened like if shes sayin, "ahh i got dat of my chest now i feel better, yep shes upset lemmi try act as if nothin happened" but she just hurt my feelings to the next level so i wont talk to her then she tries to get all crazed out up on me like if im not supposed 2 show my emoshes & that.. i reeally dont know what 2 do, i've just had enough of her psychological games n actually Want to move out away from Her & leave her to her Special Sons & Fantasy Daughters.. i mean i admit i AM jealous, obvs i would b if she aint showing me love n affection but everyone else!
I Wish i sincerely had that, a great mother n daughter bond but she obviously dont want that. If i was to tell her im gunna move or want to she'll take offence, get sad or angry! She's just confusing.
I would Never get someone like her!
She brags bout my brothers to everyone except one as he hates us all and sexually harrassed and touched me when i was younger still she dont give a damn bout that she just dont get on with him cos he hates her and attacked my other 3 bros when they were younger.. But she never says anything great bout me to ppl.. Only if they bring it up she would grudgingly go along with it..

Anyways, thats all, i might move out i want to so i can get the hell away from her! But i wrote all this cos i have Nobody to talk to, i have it all Stuck in my throat & thought why not blabber my story on here 2 calm myself down after ANOTHER RAndom confliction/tension for no Freakin reason.

I just wanna go sleep, probly feel much better in the mornin! .. Night :)

Comment #11 by Leah on March 11, 2014 - 7:49pm

I have 6 brothers & no sisters, im the 3rd youngest, i have 2 brothers younger than me 4 older, & all my life i've been the black sheep in my family & household. My background is Jamaican quarter chinese & im nw 18 with a nearly 5month old son. All my mother has done is bitch bitch bitch embarass embarass embarass & she has prefernces which is defo not me! She purposely treats my brothers "Special" & Sweet infront of me but then when its me she looks @ me as if i mean nothing. I put up with it 24/7 and all i feel 2 do is cry. She always talks to them like she Loves their company but never even gives me eye contact. When her sons are upset or been treated wrong by someone, shes like so there for them but me she tells me i over-react or stop critisizing others (when im nt, i just sat what happened) she just cuts it short & dry with me while Them, she hugs & kisses & makes them better. Me, she puts down ALL the time. She acts fake. one minute shes all smiles & makes me feel like she loves me but thats when other ppl are around, otherwise she acts heartless & cruel & the things she says just makes me feel like Crap! The other day she practicarly called me Ugly & when i asked her what she meant by that statement she Totally changed it! & tries to make Me seem like I'm the liar. She treats my cousin n older brother's chick like they're her daughters that she Wished were her own. She more a mother to them than she is me.
Sometimes she admits how Beautiful i am but then critisizes literally Everything about me. She told me she dont want me to move out "apparently" but i feel like shes a psychological bitch! Shes trying to keep me depressed, she knows my past & she plays on it. She does it all the time. She even talks in codes like to my brothers (about me) Right there infront of me! Like she hates ppl like me, or she wish ppl like me didnt exist.. stuff like that. She knows i know shes on about me & when she sees i get vex with her she then tries to soft talk to me like nothing happened like if shes sayin, "ahh i got dat of my chest now i feel better, yep shes upset lemmi try act as if nothin happened" but she just hurt my feelings to the next level so i wont talk to her then she tries to get all crazed out up on me like if im not supposed 2 show my emoshes & that.. i reeally dont know what 2 do, i've just had enough of her psychological games n actually Want to move out away from Her & leave her to her Special Sons & Fantasy Daughters.. i mean i admit i AM jealous, obvs i would b if she aint showing me love n affection but everyone else!
I Wish i sincerely had that, a great mother n daughter bond but she obviously dont want that. If i was to tell her im gunna move or want to she'll take offence, get sad or angry! She's just confusing.
I would Never get someone like her!
She brags bout my brothers to everyone except one as he hates us all and sexually harrassed and touched me when i was younger still she dont give a damn bout that she just dont get on with him cos he hates her and attacked my other 3 bros when they were younger.. But she never says anything great bout me to ppl.. Only if they bring it up she would grudgingly go along with it..

Anyways, thats all, i might move out i want to so i can get the hell away from her! But i wrote all this cos i have Nobody to talk to, i have it all Stuck in my throat & thought why not blabber my story on here 2 calm myself down after ANOTHER RAndom confliction/tension for no Freakin reason.

I just wanna go sleep, probly feel much better in the mornin! .. Night :)

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Comment #33 by Anonymous on May 16, 2017 - 3:36pm

I have a sister who treats one daughter like she does every thing wrong and the other one can do no wrong. My family noticed this early on and called it to her attention. When the daughter she criticize so harshly was four years old she told her in the most evil voice that she could not stand her. The look in her eyes showed that she meant it. My niece was the sweetest person, but nothing she could do would please my sister. This was her behavior around the family and in public, I know it was worse at home. I told my sister she was damaging her daughter and she promised to change. She NEVER did! My niece is now 22 and her self esteem is so low she would need a ladder to climb the curb. She has a scholarship (a science major) a body and face to die for, but her mother always find fault with her. In high school, she was included among the top students in that state and her story was selected by the news paper. The only was we found out was another sister saw her in the paper and told us. Her mother never said a word.

Her daughter looks like her and the second one looks like the dad. I think part of the reason my sister treats my niece this way is because she does not like her self. All of my niece life she has criticize her eating and now she does not eat around my sister. My sister is the one with the food problem, she is really over weight. My niece is a size 8 and she tells her she need to loose weight! She tells her, her breast are too big. I tell her woman pay good money to be a 38DD with a small waist. But my niece does everything to hide her shape and is talking that she wants a breast reduction. There is nothing wrong with her shape. Her mother is a 48DD that is all fat with a waist of 52 but tells her she is too big?

My sister is negative, cruel and cold. It's like she's angry! She even talks to me like a dog. Tell me that her daughter looks like me. That is true because I look like my sister! She says very little to her other daughter that gets away with everything. She criticizes and ridicules my other niece to no end. My niece hair is naturally long (for an African American) she tell her she needs a weave! I told her she was crazy. A weave is for people who want long hair, just because she has one does not mean my niece should get one. My niece did to make her mother happy and her hair broke off. My sister blamed her for it.

My sister downplays my niece accomplishments, her choices, belittles, and humiliates her in private and in front of people. She has been verbally and emotionally abusive and NEVER say I am sorry.

Whatever my niece do will never be good enough. My sister never looks at her own behavior and seems to forget how mean she is. I do not know what to do or say to get her to focus on herself. She has stop talking to me and make me out to be the enemy. I have offered my niece to live with me but she wants the approval of her mother so bad it makes you cry. She spends all her money on gifts for her mother while her sister keeps hers. Her mother is so intrusive in her life, she is the oldest daughter yet my sister has to know every move she makes.

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